a body full of rage

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It’s Saturday evening and my empty home is vibrating to the blasting music of System of a Down and Rage Against the Machine. I’m on my knees, screaming the lyrics to these songs I used to love, simultaneously wondering if my 80-year-old neighbors can hear me next door (probably), while also nudging myself to surrender and let it all out.

Since quitting weed 14 days ago, I have felt completely swept under by the waves of intense emotions that greet me each and every day. There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t sobbed, that I haven’t grieved, that I haven’t succumbed to the electrifying intensity of emotions flooding my system, ebbing and flowing like waves crashing along the shore.

I’ve always known I’m a highly sensitive and emotional being. What I didn’t realize was the degree to which I was relying on a substance to help me cope with the enormity of everything I feel, especially near the end.

On this path of sobriety, I’ve had to soberly realize that it’s just me and me alone that can get me through this. It has initiated me into deep surrender and trust that I can hold, and release, all that I feel.

As far as heavy emotions go, anger and rage historically haven’t been frequent visitors in my life; sadness and melancholy, yes. Frustration, definitely. Existential angst… 100%.

But the burning coils of energy blasting through my system, that simultaneously make me want to smash plates and scream into pillows, are sensations that feel foreign and new (no plates were smashed in this process, although I’m understanding the appeal of rage rooms now).

My oura ring tells me that I’ve been “more stressed than usual” these days. My resting heart rate is high during sleep. I wake up feeling anxious for no reason at all. Happiness feels distant, although I feel shimmers of it when I’m playing with my furbabies or feel the winter sun kiss my skin.

I know my body is in a big state of healing and recalibration right now. I know my brain is detoxifying and finding equilibrium without relying on external substances to feel good. I believe Chat GPT when it says that as the body rebalances in the weeks post cannabis, emotional stability and clarity will follow.

But for now, in the midst of the intensity, I am learning every day that I can hold myself through this. I don’t have to feel happy to feel strong. I don’t have to feel motivated to feel proud. I don’t have to feel clarity to feel trust.

I don’t have to force myself to be anywhere but here.

We all know that our emotions are like waves, that they’re meant to come and go. We know that if we give them space, the intensity will soften. We know it’s all temporary and that this too shall pass…

but knowledge doesn’t remove the challenge of feeling what we feel.

The irony is that these last few months, I have also been in deep study of the human design & Gene Keys system. With my Sun in gate 36 (plus emotional definition and almost every emotional gate and channel activated), I know one of my biggest challenges in this lifetime is surrendering to the well of emotional depth and experiences that I feel on a day to day basis.

And I know that one of my biggest gifts in this lifetime is helping others make sense of and move through their emotional challenges too.

I can’t count how many times I’ve received phone calls from friends, or messages from strangers, moving through an emotional crisis who say I can’t explain it but I just knew I had to reach out to you, I knew you were the one I had to talk to about this.

Sometimes others see our gifts before we even recognize them in ourselves.

And often our gifts are forged by the very wounds and fires that seem to bring us to our knees, over and over again.

I have no doubt that your journey and present moment experiences are vastly different than mine. Maybe you’re trekking through the mud right now for entirely different reasons, or maybe you’re feeling aligned and free.

What I also have no doubt about is that none of us can escape what we feel. Our emotions are the very thing that encompass our humanity — the thing that drives us to create art or tell stories or write songs or relate with others. Our emotions, our humanity, is what distinguishes us from AI in the age of automation.

Our emotions may feel overwhelming and impossible to hold at times, but they are not meant to be feared. Even when our minds think otherwise, our beautiful and wise bodies do indeed have the capacity to feel and release the highs and lows.

Sure, sometimes it helps to soften the edges with a drink or a toke (insert all the disclaimers about moderation/discernment, etc. etc.).

But even if all the substances were removed from the face of the earth (or whatever people/places/things you think you need to feel good), your incredible body knows how to handle and move through everything you feel. We just have to learn to listen and trust the process.

This has been my work. And as I move through it, I thought I’d share a few things that have really helped me during the emotional intensity of these last few weeks:

• Journaling ~ I’ve been journaling for decades but these days, I write even more. It feels good to start the morning writing what’s alive for me and how I feel. It feels good to end the day revisiting how it felt and what I moved through. It feels good to write when the emotions are strong or the cravings are intense. It just feels good to write.

• Rage dancing ~ my 2 hours of dancing and shouting to System of a Down, Rage Against the Machine, Nirvana and more were so incredibly healing. Turn on your music of choice, loud, and allow your body to move, dance, sway, shake, bounce, sing, yell, shout, sigh, cry in whatever ways you feel called — no judgement allowed. Let the music help you empty out.

• Call a friend ~ on one particularly intense day, I reached out to my best friend and just poured out what I was feeling as tears streamed down my face. In the span of our phone call, I felt like night and day. Often times when we’re moving through a lot, it’s easy to feel alone. Reaching out to a safe and supportive friend can be such a healing outlet as you are held and seen, without judgment, by someone who loves you.

• Be with it ~ something I’ve been practicing is just sitting with the discomfort. No need to change it, no need to analyze it. Just sit and be (or walk, with no headphones, and be). This practice alone has helped me realize how often I was running to fix or change or solve or numb what I felt, instead of just feeling it. It may feel uncomfortable at the beginning but eventually, just through witnessing, the intensity passes.

• Reading fantasy ~ sometimes you really need to feel and process the emotions head on (see above). Other times, it helps to create some distance between your thoughts and feelings and get yourself out of the emotional swirl. I’ve been loving fantasy as a healthy form of escapism these days — I honestly feel so much better when I dive into a few chapters of a good book, immersing myself in another world. I recently devoured Fourth Wing and I’m excited to start the second book this week.

• Releasing expectations ~ I recently realized that I’ve been putting a lot of pressure and expectation on myself to ‘feel better’ or to feel motivated or inspired (and then feeling hard on myself when I’m not). Now, I’m actively releasing any expectation about ‘how I should feel’ or trying to force clarity about ‘what’s next’. I actually think it’s so aligned to be going through this journey during the winter months, when the natural world so tenderly invites us to surrender into rest, introspection and the stillness of the void. Notice if you’re putting mental pressure on yourself to have things figured out or to be somewhere other than right here. Try to give yourself grace and let that pressure go.

• Somatic stress release ~ I’m so grateful for the beautiful somatic stress release session I recently had with my dear friend Miriam. I learned so much from this session, including the sweet nurturing power of wrapping yourself in a blanket and hugging a pillow to your chest as you close your eyes and just breathe and feel. Such a simple gesture that creates enormous safety in the body.

• Chat GPT ~ it has seriously been such a helpful tool for me, especially in moments when the cravings are strong or I’m feeling particularly low. I’ve been so amazed at the kind and helpful perspective, reflections, and tools it has provided me in the moments I needed it most.

• Remembering my humanity ~ I’d rather feel a lot than feel nothing at all; I’d rather feel alive than numb. I’d rather feel what’s real than what’s comfortable; I’d rather feel the lows so I can also feel the highs.

• Everything I wrote about in this post

As intense as the last few weeks have felt, I feel such strong faith that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.

I can’t shake the feeling that all of this, including me sharing this, is all on purpose.

I don’t know what’s on the other side but I’m done trying to control it all anyway. What will come will come.

For now, let me feel the grace of living right here.

Thank you for reading and being on this wild ride with me.

Sending you so much love,

xx aaliyah

p.s. at the time of publishing this piece, a lot of the intensity I experienced and expressed here has dissipated. Still, I felt called to publish this piece because it is honest and real, and perhaps it may support someone else too 🕯️