a sober new year

*Trigger warnings: addiction, sobriety, cannabis*

It’s January 2nd and I’m feeling a restless optimism deep in my bones. On the one hand, I’m greeting the New Year with feelings of hope and possibility…

There’s something about the feeling of a blank slate, a new beginning, that I find so revitalizing and energizing year after year.

Even though I’m well aware that January 1 is an arbitrary date; even though I personally resonate with Spring as the beginning of the New Year; the collective energy of change and new beginnings is palpable for me at this time of year.

Coming into this January, I feel very clear about what my intentions are. And the one intention that has filled every crevice of my being, especially in the weeks leading up to the New Year, is letting go of weed.

It feels really vulnerable to write this out, to admit it out loud, to share this glaring addiction with the whole wide world (or the 100 or so people who read this Substack lol).

It feels vulnerable to bare my flaws and weaknesses so openly. I feel exposed with no where to hide.

But honestly, that’s what I want this year.

I want raw and real. I want vulnerable and deep. I want the type of authenticity in my words and in my world that unites me and you in our humanity.

We all have our vices. For some, it’s alcohol. For others, it’s social media or sugar or caffeine or sex or hard drugs or TV. For others, it’s an unhealthy obsession with fitness and wellness.

For me, it’s weed.

I remember the first time I tried weed — it was a random day in my third year of university. My ex boyfriend was a classic productive stoner and spent most days getting high (like many others at school).

In all my 23ish years leading up to this day, I never really had an interest in weed or alcohol. In high school, I would feel a lot of inner pride saying no to drugs lol I just didn’t care for it and I liked the feeling of staying true to myself, even when everyone around me was doing something different.

On this particular day, I don’t really know what changed. But I remember thinking fuck it, I want to try! And so I did…

I’ve often heard stories of people not getting high the first time they try it; or greening out and getting so paranoid that they never want to do it again.

This was not my story.

From the first day I tried weed, I fell in love. We were a match made in heaven. She enveloped me in a warm and loving hug, softening the edges of my mind and bringing me into a state of deep surrender, relaxation and joy that I had never experienced in this way.

Not only that, there was a feeling of rebellion smoking weed ‘back in my day’ lol It wasn’t legalized then and it felt like I was part of a secret society.

Over the following years, I continued to dabble with weed here and there. Mainly enjoying it with friends on random weekends or curled up watching movies on the couch.

As a naturally laid back and open-minded person, I felt like I resonated and ‘fit in’ with the stoner culture. I latched on to old adages like ‘weed isn’t addictive’ or ‘it’s not bad for you’ or ‘no one has ever died from weed’ lol.

And then somewhere along the way, especially after I graduated from law school and started working in the profession, and even moreso in 2020 when the world shut down and I was at home 24/7, my use and dependency on weed steadily skyrocketed.

I felt a lot of shame and confusion around my cannabis use. Even though everyone around me was also always consuming, and even though cannabis became legalized and normalized everywhere, I think deep down I knew that it wasn’t really serving me at the frequency I was using.

I could honestly write a book about all the experiences, ups and down, lessons, and reflections I’ve had with cannabis over the years. But what matters most for this story, and for moving into 2025, was the gradual realization that this habit, this addiction (as much as I didn’t want to admit that I was addicted), was actually starting to hurt me.

By the end of 2024, after so many times of stopping and then starting again; of noticing how much I was hiding in my addiction; of noticing how numb I was feeling to life; of noticing how this one habit was affecting every other aspect of my life (health, fitness, productivity, work, creativity, relationships, etc.), I got to the point of feeling so tired with my own shit.

So coming into 2025, I decided that I would use the momentum of the New Year to let go.

My intention — a sober January, weed free.

It’s been 2 days and I’m falling in love with the feeling of being clear, even though there are definitely many moments where I crave the familiarity and comforts of old habits. My body is not yet used to this new norm.

And also, I’m noticing how truly uncomfortable it feels to be AWAKE and in the void.

When we let go — whether it’s letting go of habits that don’t serve us or people/jobs/places that feel toxic, there’s suddenly a huge gap in our lives. A void that we used to fill or distract ourselves from.

It can feel so uncomfortable being in the void. Of not knowing what’s next. Of not feeling motivated or inspired in one way or another.

But this time around, I’m reminding myself that it’s safe to be in the void.

Just like winter itself, this void, this emptiness, this dark womb, is a natural state of being. It’s the fertile soil where new seeds are planted; where new life is grown.

The void is not something to run away from — it’s something to embrace.

As I gently let go in this season of my life, I’m reminding myself that true alignment doesn’t come from forcing or pushing myself into becoming a “new me”… but from relaxing and softening into who I’ve always been.

My true self isn’t something to reach for — it’s already here. Patiently waiting for me to feel her beneath the layers of numbness or resistance.

This January, I’m embracing it as a season of release. Of truly letting go, of lightening my load, of emptying out, of cleansing and purifying from the inside out.

I’m choosing to let life, to let my next moves in life, come to me naturally —instead of feeling pressure to think my way out or to take action for the sake of taking action.

I’m embracing uncertainty and discomfort as cornerstones of freedom and liberation.

And I’m choosing to share my story and my journey (as immensely vulnerable as it feels), because I know that hearing people’s in-the-process stories of growth, change and transformation are super inspiring to me.

It’s one thing to hear stories of people who have made it to the other side (also inspiring); but it’s another thing to walk alongside someone as they’re in the mud, figuring it out too.

So in case you’re also in a season of releasing habits/people/places/ways of being that no longer serve you, I just want you to know you’re not alone.

And if you’d like to share what you’re releasing or letting go of this season, I’m here for it.

Some things that are helping me…

• setting clear intentions and informing those closest to me so they can support me

• clearing the house of any triggers

• finding a community of others who are releasing the same addiction (I was looking for a sobriety tracker one day and found this app. It’s been such a game changer and I’ve found such a supportive community on there! You can use it for any addiction, from drugs and alcohol to social media and sugar.)

• doing things with my hands ~ creating, writing, building things, cleaning, cooking, etc.

• running

• meditating

• journaling, so much — focusing on all the little wins; sharing the little wins with my people

• revisiting the past and reconnecting with the versions of myself (especially my high school self) who was really strong and resolute in who she was and what she did or didn’t want

• ashwagandha — it’s too early to know whether this has helped but I’ve heard a lot about the power of ashwagandha in supporting the nervous system, stress cycles, and sleep (all of which get really affected when you give up any addiction). There are almost too many changing variables for me to really know whether it’s been helping but I’ll keep you posted as the weeks progress.

• and now… public accountability 😅 I’d like to be able to write that I stuck with this intention come February

I have to say that I feel a lot lighter writing this post and I hope it inspires you in some way.

May we remember that it’s the most natural and human thing in the world to be a work-in-progress — we don’t need to have it all figured out or pretend to be some place other than right here.

I’m wishing you an easeful start to your New Year and I hope you feel the courage to go after (or let go of) whatever is on heart.

I’m looking forward to writing even more this year and connecting again soon.

With love,

aaliyah

~~

p.s. there was a time in my journey when stories like this, of people quitting weed, were really triggering to me. If that’s you, I just want you to know that you don’t have to force anything or feel wrong in any way about where you’re at. I truly believe that we can’t force ourselves to ‘let go’… just like a leaf falling off a tree, letting go happens on its own time. Trust your own process, even if it’s different from others around you. And if you have a healthy relationship with weed and it’s a non-issue for you, enjoy it! xx