3 Steps to Develop a Secure Sense of Self
And release insecurity & self-doubt for good...
In 2012, life as I knew it completely fell apart.
It was August and I had just arrived home after a month in Italy following my university graduation.
My mom picked me up from the airport with my then-boyfriend and announced the news that would change my life as I knew it: my parents were getting divorced.
I remember responding calmly to the news, knowing deep down that it was all for the best.
But on the surface, everything in my life quickly began to fall apart.
Over the next few months, my parents would formally separate, we would sell our family home, my family structure & relationships shifted as everyone navigated their own grief and emotions, I would start a new job, break up with my long-term boyfriend, navigate the first few painful holidays on my own, amongst many other changes.
I didn't realize it at the time, but the dissolution of my parents' marriage was the first significant reality-shattering experience that taught me the illusion of security...
that even the family structures, homes and relationships that we think are solid, can one day fall apart.
About 8 years later, I would experience the next shattering of my perception of security.
In 2020, I walked away from my corporate career as a litigation attorney, leaving behind my large, steady salary, job title, and the "security" that came with it.
I knew deep in my heart that this was the best decision for me, but my ego was in full-blown freakout mode as I walked away from everything society told me was necessary to be safe, secure, and successful in this world.
It would take me another 2 years to somewhat find my footing again, during which I began to rebuild my identity and values -- this time from the inside out.
From a young age, we are bombarded with the narrative that our safety and security lies out there --
security is in our structured corporate careers; it's in our steady paychecks; it's in our family, our life partner, and children; it's in the homes we live in and assets we accumulate.
We think it's the things we have or positions we hold or money we make or image we upkeep that keep us secure.
Until one day, your parents get divorced. You get laid off or quit your job. Your loved ones pass away. A natural disaster destroys your home. Your outer beauty changes.
And suddenly, the very thing that once felt like a blanket of security is taken away (or falls apart) and you're left picking up the pieces again.
“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." -- Hellen Keller
What is true inner security?
While career, money, family, home and all these things are certainly important -- they don't inherently make us secure.
Rather, we project the illusion of security onto our career/relationships/income/physical appearance, etc. because we believe these things will keep us safe.
The problem is that this false sense of reliance on things outside of you don't actually keep you safe -- they keep you small.
It keeps you attached to people, places or things that might not fully serve your highest growth & potential (e.g. staying in a career or relationship you've outgrown because you're afraid to take the leap into the unknown).
Now here's where it gets really tricky -- you aren't actually the one that is attached to these people, places or things. Your ego is.
Your ego is the part of you that is responsible for your survival. It's evolutionarily designed to keep you safe. In our modern society, your ego perceives threats to your identity as threats to your safety.
Your ego is built upon your identity, which informs how you perceive yourself. Your identity is the accumulation of your titles, roles, values, accomplishments, desires, lifestyle, habits, etc.
When your identity is built upon external influences, like your career, wealth, physical attributes, or relationships, you will feel insecure when someone or something challenges or takes away those established beliefs.
Insecurity manifests in many forms, but it can feel like frustration, defensiveness, anger, dismissiveness, passivity, dissatisfaction and more.
But again -- the ego is not you.
Beyond your ego is your true self. Your true self is the you that lives beyond the titles, roles, and identities you wear. Your "true self" goes by many names: spirit/essence/eternal self/the seat of your consciousness...
According to Deepak Chopra, your true self is the self-reliant, evolutionary, loving, creative, knowing, accepting, and peaceful part of you.
"Because it is connected to the source of awareness, at a deeper level of the mind, the true self is at peace. Separation is at an end; therefore, no need exists for unspoken anxiety and insecurity. There is no hole to fill with the endless pursuit of pleasure and distraction. Life is devoted to expanding one's consciousness and growing from the inside." -- Deepak Chopra
In other words, your true self is the source of your innate power, purpose, and confidence.
And when your identity is built upon your true self, you feel a deep sense of security, peace, and alignment regardless of what's happening in your outer world.
Remember -- ego is driven by fear, your true self is rooted in love.
Building a strong foundation of inner security is essential for everyone -- but especially for creatives and entrepreneurs who are, by definition, carving their own path through life.
As a creative, you are constantly swimming against the boundaries of your comfort zone. Every time you share your art, speak your truth, launch a service, or promote your work, you are opening yourself up to the opinions, thoughts, and judgements of others.
If your source of self-worth and inner peace is dependent on the feedback or outcome of your work, you give your power away to people and circumstances outside of you... which tends to lead to even more self-doubt, fear, and insecurity.
Without inner security, you will constantly be trapped in the triggers and pressures of an inherently unstable world.
Conversely, when you feel secure and grounded in yourself, it becomes easier to trust yourself and not get weighed down by other people's opinions or distractions.
To me, inner security is the experience of feeling safe in my body regardless of what's happening outside of me.
It's the feeling of ease and relaxation that comes from trusting myself to make the most of whatever life throws my way -- even if I don't fully see the path ahead.
It's trusting that I will take care of myself and prioritize nourishing my mind, body, and soul.
It's is remembering that whatever I do, whoever I become, I am always loved -- by me.
It's is the peace of mind that comes from knowing I am not my thoughts or emotions.
It's being in love with my own company and knowing how to enjoy being alone.
Inner security is an energy that grows from the awareness that I am in control of how I respond to life.
So let's explore the 3 important steps for building a strong foundation of unshakeable inner security from the inside out.
1. Heal Your Inner Child
When your identity is built upon people-pleasing or being the person others expect you to be, you are driven by an underlying fear of rejection or abandonment.
On a subconscious level, your ego is afraid that you will be ousted from the tribe and left to fend for yourself in the wild (which would have been a big threat to survival for our ancient ancestors).
Of course in our modern society, your physical survival does not depend upon your friends agreeing with you or your work.
But because we are deeply primed to fear rejection and abandonment from our tribe, we hold ourselves back from speaking our truth, stay in positions that drain our life source, don't share our art or start that side business, and squash our dreams in hopes that we continue to feel loved and accepted by others.
But here's the truth: the only way to stop fearing rejection is to stop rejecting yourself!
This is why the first step of building unshakeable inner security is learning how to love yourself.
And a big piece of learning how to love yourself is learning how to reparent yourself and heal your inner child.
John Bowlby, an influential researcher in child development, says that "caretakers create a secure base for a child if they empathize, tune in to the child’s needs, and let the child know that they are there as a safe haven during upsets or to soothe anxiety and worry."
As an adult, you must learn how to create a "secure base" for your own inner child.
Next time you notice yourself reacting out of fear, pause.
Become aware of the part of you that is reacting to the fear. Tune into your inner child and empathize with how they're feeling. Hold space for your fears, frustrations, doubts, and worries. Writing or speaking out your fears is a great way to witness and release them.
Connect with the innocent child inside of you that is afraid. Let your inner child know that they are safe, that you love them and you're protecting them.
Practice giving yourself the love your inner child craves, instead of seeking to feel whole from people or circumstances outside of you.
The more you practice tending to your inner child, the freer and more secure you will feel.
One of my favourite inner child healing practices is writing to my inner child as if I am the most loving and compassionate parent.
As I write, I let my inner child know that she is safe and loved as I address her fears and worries and remind her of her power.
It is life-changing to learn how to be a great parent to yourself. And to learn how to rely on your own love and acceptance first and foremost.
There is a lot more I can say about inner child healing, but the reason why it is so important is because most of our fears and insecurities are rooted in childhood.
The parts of you that are seeking validation from others are rooted in a younger version of you who was likely rejected at some point for being yourself.
Your inner child (i.e. you) now fears this rejection and seeks to avoid it by being everything everyone else wants you to be.
This is why self-love (and inner child healing) is essential -- because as long as you don't fully love and accept yourself, you will abandon yourself to feel loved and accepted by others.
Here are a few other ways to practice deep self-love and inner child healing:
speak kindly to yourself
celebrate your wins, big and small
show care and concern for yourself in times of stress, anxiety, fear and worry -- don't just push it aside or repress it
prioritize doing things that bring you joy
practice some form of creativity (think about what you loved to create as a child)
learn to love your own company
2. Take the Damn Leap!
Most people don't leave their comfort zone and the "outer security" they're attached to for one big reason: fear of the unknown.
It feels much safer to stay in the familiar than to leave for the unknown.
As someone who has taken big leaps into the unknown, I know firsthand how terrifying it is -- I'm not here to tell you otherwise.
It's scary leaving the stability of your career, the safety of your home, the comfort of your relationships, your predictable salary -- to follow the intangible knowing that you're meant for more.
But, I can also say firsthand that taking leaps into the unknown is the only way to build unshakeable inner security, self-trust, and confidence in yourself.
Why?
Because the only way to overcome fear is to face it.
When you push through the fear and move outside of your comfort zone, you suddenly realize -- WOW! I DID IT! I did this scary thing and I survived!!
And that is what builds confidence and inner security.
It's doing hard scary things, overcoming it, and realizing through experience that you have the ability to take care of yourself, regardless of what life throws at you.
So I ask you this -- what's calling to you beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone? Can you take ANY big or small steps in the direction of your desires?
Maybe it's immersing yourself in an ice bath or cold showers. Maybe it's telling someone your true feelings for them. Maybe it's asking for a promotion or finding a new job that excites you. Maybe it's taking a much-needed vacation and time for rest.
Whatever it is -- honor yourself and do it.
You've got this!
3. Develop Peace of Mind
Peace of mind is defined as "a feeling of being safe or protected". Sounds a lot like inner security, doesn't it?
Cultivating inner peace is a practice of learning how to create a sense of safety within your body, regardless of internal or external stressors.
There are many ways to cultivate inner peace but here are a few of my favourites:
meditation: practice how to observe your thoughts and emotions, instead of identifying with them. If you don't have a meditation practice, I invite you to experiment with it. Here a are some of my own free meditations you can start with.
breath work: next time you're stressed, pause and take 5 long deep breaths, focusing on lengthening your exhale. “The long exhale helps stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is basically initiating a relaxation response in your body,” says psychotherapist Ashley Davis.
harness creativity: creativity takes you out of your head and helps to generate new ideas and solutions to problems. It reduces stress, increases joy, and puts you in a state of flow -- all good things for cultivating inner peace.
nature therapy: I feel like the benefits of spending time in nature are a given. But for those of you who like a little extra evidence, a 2022 study published in the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction found that nature therapy is an effective short-term treatment for mental health conditions, especially anxiety. Just 15 minutes a day does wonders for decreasing stress levels in the body.
slow down / rest: living on high-speed day after day takes a huge toll on your mind, body, and spirit. Practice setting boundaries and creating space to sloooowwww down. Slowing down helps you get clear about what's really important in life, it gives you space to reflect and respond to life (instead of reacting), and it gives your body the opportunity to rest and recharge. In a world that constantly has us on the edge of burnout, rest is truly rebellion... enjoy it ;)
"Your insecurities are not who you are, it’s where you’re at." -- Jen Sincero
To recap:
Feeling secure in life is an inside job
Develop a strong foundation of self-love through inner child healing by being a great parent to yourself.
Take the leap into the unknown by doing what scares you -- this will build confidence and self-trust.
Practice cultivating inner peace so you feel grounded and centered through life. Pick 1 or 2 of the practices discussed above and incorporate them into your daily life. Notice how you feel.
Over time, these steps will help you develop strong inner security -- so you can go on and experience your fullest, creative life!
Hope you enjoyed this one, friends.
Talk soon.
-- Aaliyah Madadi
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